


Interplanetary Relations for Beginners

by facetofcathy



Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: 1000-3000 words, Aliens Make Them Do It, Community: sga_flashfic, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-11-26
Updated: 2009-11-26
Packaged: 2017-10-03 19:32:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,732
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21473
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/facetofcathy/pseuds/facetofcathy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Contains some profanity and mature themes - mentions canon pairings, and the discerning eye may notice some UST here and there.</p><p>Ronon has to participate in an Alien ritual, but he's got other things on his mind.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Interplanetary Relations for Beginners

"I don't understand," Ronon said. "Why are we suddenly following rules?"

Teyla got her fist in his shirt and twisted. She loomed up at him and said, "Because we are on an alien planet full of alien people with strange customs and a lot of weapons."

"They aren't pointing any of them at us," Ronon said, and he heard the very slight whine in his voice. He really needed to stop hanging out with McKay so much, he was picking up bad habits. But it was fun to watch him try so hard with Jennifer, so he'd been spending more time with them lately.

"They might not be pointing any weapons at us right now," Teyla said, "but don't count on the Viksa staying in its burrow."

"Viksa—is that the one that looks like an Uxor, or the one that looks like an overfed Cicalothia?"

"Ronon, just memorize the ceremony and stop asking questions," Teyla said with chilling, patient calm.

He'd heard her use that same tone on Kanaan, so Ronon knew she still loved him. Actually, she used it on Sheppard and McKay too. And Woolsey. If they were on Malde or Yitha, they'd all get to fight each night for the right to be bedded by her. He'd spent a week on Yitha while he was running, and those fights had been fun. Hard to get the sand out of your crack though, what with all the oil.

"Will there be any oil?" he yelled after Teyla's rapidly retreating form, but she just made a rude Earth gesture and kept going.

They had to travel to the next prefecture for the ritual. Sheppard had explained that it had something to do with military protocol. It made no sense to Ronon, but aliens, what could you do? _Can't live with them, can't exterminate them—unless you're a dirty, stinking Wraith_, as his Grandfather used to say.

The traveling was boring and uncomfortable, except for when Rodney and Jennifer had these brittle, thin-lipped arguments in the shuttle thing they were all packed into. Rodney's whisper was louder than most people's shouts, so he got to follow the whole conversation. Well, most of it. Ronon didn't know exactly what a doghouse was, but Rodney kept clutching at his hair, so it must be something bad.

He was always the most fun to watch when he was red in the face and spluttering. He reminded Ronon of his sister, Tlalon, who used to get like that whenever she argued with the woman who ran the tannery. They'd ended up buying a ten year bond right before the Wraith came, and no one was surprised but them.

The neighbouring prefecture seemed just like the one they'd started out in as far as Ronon could tell. He made the mistake of saying that out loud, and Rodney started to list the all differences. Ronon pretended he couldn't discern any difference in the accent or style of buildings and dress just to wind Rodney up a little. A little more.

"Relax, McKay," Sheppard said and clapped him on the shoulder, hard. "This isn't going to work if you stroke out before the ceremony."

Rodney glared at John and rubbed his shoulder, while Jennifer just glared at everyone. Ronon ducked his head when she turned the look on him. He was a little sorry she was so angry about the ritual. He liked her, and he had a few ideas on how they could work something out to keep everybody happy.

The ritual was supposed to be in an office with an adjudicator, and they were all there, and the adjudicator was ready, but then a commotion broke out and some guys in uniforms appeared—they had weapons, but still weren't pointing them anywhere but the floor, so Ronon stayed cool—and they all got back in the shuttle thing and traveled to a bigger building with benches set in rows facing what looked like a Binban altar. He was surprised that these people had something as sophisticated as Binban design.

He was monitoring the small milling crowd, keeping an eye out for suspicious movements, when Teyla pulled him off to one side and boxed him in under a window made of purple glass. She grilled him mercilessly on the ceremonial words while he watched the purple tinted sunlight turn her hair the colour of a sunset he'd seen on a planet with no one to name it.

Rodney and Sheppard were on the opposite side of the room, likely practicing the strange words as well, and it looked like Rodney was trying to be comforting. He was patting at John's arm and frowning intensely. It didn't look like it was working.

They took their places for the ritual at last, and it was about time. The discussions about this had been going on for days, and Ronon really wanted it over with. The whole team stood up front—good to have your team with you for something like this—but Jennifer and Woolsey sat on the front bench. The small crowd had gathered behind them on the other benches, but they were all regular folks by the looks of them, not the soldiers they'd seen earlier, so Ronon didn't have to worry about weapons fire from them.

Instead of an adjudicator, the officiant was a guy in a long white robe with purple and gold trim. He looked more like a licensed prostitute from Hesh than anything else, and everyone treated him with special respect, except Rodney, who treated him with special disdain, so maybe that's exactly what he was.

Ronon got a little concerned, thinking about it, no one had told him that the sex would actually be public, so why the prostitute? Sheppard had said the sex came after, and then he'd talked around it in circles like maybe you only had to pretend, but that seemed wrong to Ronon, not really proper. He had also heard Rodney saying something rude to Sheppard earlier, about how John knew all about sleeping with someone without any fucking, but Ronon thought Rodney might have been talking about the time on P5R-M3Y when Sheppard had drunk too much of the local wine and passed out in the tent.

Ronon wasn't really worried, even if he should have listened to some of the discussions, but he had assumed Teyla would tell him whatever he really needed to know. If they wanted a public sex show, he could deliver, it wasn't that big of a deal.

The prostitute droned on about, well, truthfully, Ronon had stopped listening to guys wearing purple and gold a long time ago; he knew what went where, and what to do with it once he got it there. He'd learned some special tricks on Yitha that would do him proud no matter how public things got, so he just tried to keep a placid expression while he silently recited the first one hundred moves in Lia's winning game of Uio from the great challenge on Tish two hundred years ago.

This planet had weird rituals, but they also had a lot of good craftsmen; he should see if he could get a Uio set made before they left. Not that anybody thought he needed to know when that was going to be, so he might not have time.

The prostitute was leading the call and response part of the ritual when Ronon started paying attention again. He had to lean forward to hear John's quiet words, but Teyla spoke her part firmly and evenly. Ronon followed along, committing the strange phrases and actions to memory. The ritual would fail if he got it wrong, he supposed, and that would not be a good thing. The aliens would likely stop pointing their weapons at the ground, for a start.

Sheppard and Teyla ended their part with an Athosian embrace, and now it was his turn. Ronon studied the officiant's robes while he started the whole ritual over again. They looked plain and cheap, and the purple and gold were printed on, not the fine hand-stitching of Heshian robes.

They got to the hard part of the ritual, the call and response, where Ronon had to remember his lines, and he did okay, only flubbed one, and they let him start it over.

Rodney was better, the words tripped over each other getting out of his mouth, and he knew how to project his voice just like the best Satedan combat instructors, but he was still sneering at the officiant and rolling his eyes at everything he said. Maybe the guy was an archaeologist or a botanist.

They were almost finished. Ronon could sense the restlessness in the small crowd, and the officiant used the same final ritual words he'd spoken as John had rested his forehead against Teyla's.

> And now, forasmuch as you, Meredith Rodney McKay and Ronon Dex, have consented to legal wedlock, and have declared your solemn intention in this company, before these witnesses, and in my presence, and have exchanged these rings as the pledge of your vows to each other; now upon the authority vested in me by the Province of British Columbia, I pronounce you as duly married.

There was a scatter of applause, and the sounds of the small crowd of people rising and milling around. He thought he heard a couple of people sobbing, which was strange; it had been a pretty boring ritual as far as he was concerned.

Sheppard stepped close and said, "Just watch your step, the IOA have a few people here. Woolsey spotted at least two, but there could be more."

"It worked though, right? The ritual?" Ronon said. "We can all go back home?"

"Yeah, buddy, it worked," John said, and he slipped his sunglasses on, which meant he wanted everyone to pretend they couldn't see him.

"Come on, McKay," Ronon said, grabbing Rodney by the arm and dragging him towards the door. It was cooler outside, and he could keep a better eye on the crowd from there. "So is the sex part next, or do we eat first? On Lesser Iltaxi they do both at once."

"Unfortunately, we're not on Lesser Iltaxi," Rodney said sourly.

Ronon had to go along with that sentiment. The sooner they got away from all these aliens and back home where they belonged, the better.


End file.
